Friday, October 8, 2010

The Reason Is Obvious To Some

After much deliberation, prayer, and discussion with my bride, I have decided to document my experiences on being raised in an atheistic household where my Mom and Step-Father owned and operated several pornography businesses. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The horrors of pornography were not immediately known to me (and are still not known to most of my family including my Mom and Step-Dad who still own one business of ill-repute) until I was around 26 years old or so. Before that time I saw nothing wrong with pornography or even drinking to excess, taking drugs, or what can be referred to as an "open" lifestyle that some young people choose to dabble with here in America. By the way, the innocence of the word "dabble" is misleading because "dabbling" implies partaking in some small way.  The fact is, when we act against our consciences, many times we open doorways to much confusion and evil whether we fully understand this or not (see Genesis chapter 3 or here).

While growing up, I had the impression that Christians were childish fools who relied on an imaginary crutch (this Jesus character) to offer themselves a false sense of well-being.  I truly had a disdain for Christians though day to day I never really gave it too much thought, it seemed to be built-in to who I was. I knew better and was much better than they were, and way cooler too.


I was, however, not an atheist but an agnostic as my belief in God came and went. I did believe in God and even prayed to God several times as a youngster. In fact, I had one experience where I seemed to have had a conversation with angels. One afternoon, while lying on my bed I felt that I was in the midst of some conversation with angels and actually spoke to them and said, "If you are real, pull me up out of bed." I extended my arms and waited. They seemed to respond, "We can't" and so disappointed though I was, life went on. 

That experience and other prayer experiences (such as the childish ones of praying that my sports team would win and promising God I would never drink alcohol again) vanished from my memory for some time especially as I became more and more obsessed with pornography.

I was, however, the envy of all my friends and way cooler than even God Himself...but....ummm.....really....the reality of the situation was that my friends never saw the deep, dark insidious shame that lay hidden but breathing underneath my cool exterior. My seemingly good life and good fortune of having had "really cool parents" was a sham(e). The dark shame inside of me (which seemed to be alive, personified even) stemmed from knowing what my parents did for a living was morally wrong. Even as a child I knew this. Stay tuned for more soon...

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